Some of my bosses have been arseholes.
Uncaring. Aggressive. Narcissistic. Despotic even. More interested in being right than doing right by their people. The sort of leaders who could leave you questioning your own ability after a conversation that should never have happened in the first place.
For a long time, I thought working for people like that would make me stronger. More resilient. Better at my job. Perhaps that was just what you had to go through to get on in your career….
But looking back, I’ve realised something else they weren’t making me a better leader. They were showing me what poor leadership looks like.
They weren’t challenging me to grow. They weren’t helping me understand my blind spots. They certainly weren’t creating the conditions for me to do my best work. Too often, they simply weren’t willing to look at themselves, learn or take responsibility for the impact they had on others.
And then there were the others. The bosses who were prepared to admit they didn’t have all the answers. Who could recognise their own gaps without feeling threatened. Who listened, cared about their people and understood that leadership wasn’t about having power over someone, but using that position to help them thrive.
They are the people who have left the biggest footprints on my heart.
Not because they were perfect, but because they were human. Because they cared enough to ask questions, to listen to the answers and to do something with what they heard. They called me out when I got it wrong, because they knew I could do or be better and they wanted that for me too.
And before this starts sounding like I think I’ve always got leadership right, let me be clear: I haven’t.
I haven’t always been the boss I would want to work for. I’ve got my own blind spots, got things wrong and had moments when I could have listened better, been more curious or thought more carefully about the impact I was having on someone else.
That’s not particularly comfortable to admit, but it’s important. Because leadership isn’t something you master once and then tick off your list. It’s something you have to keep working at, especially when the feedback is uncomfortable or the person who needs to change is staring back at you in the mirror.
How often do people leave a conversation with their manager feeling unheard, dismissed or wishing they’d never bothered to speak up? In my coaching work, I sometimes find myself being the ear that someone’s line manager should be providing. A space where people can say what they really think, work through what’s troubling them and feel heard without having to defend themselves or worry about the consequences.
That matters. But it also makes me wonder why that space is sometimes missing at work in the first place.
Coaching can be hugely valuable, but it shouldn’t become a permanent substitute for a manager who is willing to listen, have difficult conversations and take an honest look at their own impact.
So here’s the uncomfortable question for anyone in a leadership role. Are you making your people stronger, or are they simply learning how to survive you?
Because the leaders who make the biggest difference aren’t necessarily the loudest, the most confident or the ones with all the answers. They’re the ones who care enough to keep learning, have the courage to recognise their gaps and make people feel that they matter.
And those are the leaders worth remembering.
If something in this has made you pause, perhaps it’s worth asking yourself what kind of footprint you’re leaving.
At Mente Leadership Coaching, I work with leaders who want to understand their impact, develop their leadership and create better experiences for the people they lead.
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